I never post personal stuff but today I will. I think of it as therapy. And it’s not that I don’t appreciate life, it’s that I feel like I’m slowly dieing inside. Last night I laid next to a beautiful girl and while I embraced her. I cried. She didn’t notice because I kept my face buried in my pillow as if I was sleeping. I felt weak, my heart palpitated, my body numbed. It was in that moment that I realized I was sad and I’m slowly killing myself in the inside. I don’t need cigarettes, I don’t need alcohol, I don’t even need to do drugs. The stress and realization that I’m nothing in life is enough to kill me. And as I laid in bed I thought to myself, “Sure. if I die my parents would mourn me. Maybe my “girlfriend” would get sad for a while but obviously she’d move on, we all do. It’s just that I feel like I have no legacy. People won’t remember me and if they do I’m just a big joke. I’m just a cheap laugh. People think of me and they think I’m just some asshole, a joke.” I don’t even have someone I can consider my best friend. A friend that I can talk about life. Talk about their past, our history. Ask them about the future, someone to talk to on a physiological level. But I truly am alone. My greatest fear come to life… I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. But it’s not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone. It’s sad. I used to be a social butterfly in high school. It’s because of that grace period called lunch time. I also didn’t work, or go to school at odd hours. I was always guaranteed time to be around people. But being in college, and growing older you don’t get that period to just be around people. You either work, go to school. or if you’re like me you lock yourself in a room for hours only to leave a few hours a day to work or go to classes. It’s mundane and sad. No on ever really asks me to go hang out with them either. It’s funny, how different your life can be, when you stop putting effort into your friendships. You find out that nobody else is trying, that nobody else gives a shit. You begin to see that the reason everything is staying together and the only reason nothing is falling apart is you. And then you realize that you can’t be the only reason, you can’t be the only one caring, you can’t be the rock anymore. So you just stop. And everything changes. It’s just a sad thought… And while I was laying down I also asked myself to think of a happy moment in my life. Find my happy place. And honestly I can’t… I can’t think of a time where I felt like I was at peace with myself and my surrounding. Closest thing is when I first felt love but that was years ago. Maybe this depression stems from the yearning to have that feeling again. Maybe I feel alone and need better companionship. Or maybe I just need to just drop everything. I really don’t know anymore.
I wish you happiness. Even though it wasn’t with me. I still think of you on occasion and it makes me sad. Sad because we didn’t work out either time. But I guess it wasn’t in our cards babe. I hope you attain the future you’ve been working towards. I hope you become a mother because I know you’d be a wonderful one. I hope you become a wife because I know you’d take the commitment seriously and always try your hardest. I hope when you are older and you look at the story of your life you think of me you remember our chapter. I hope you remember, but if you have forced yourself to forget, that’s fine too. I understand and I’ll remember for the both of us. I will always love you..
Have Mercy- Let’s Talk About Your Hair
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Death Cab For Cutie - The New Year
So this is the new year.
And I don’t feel any different.